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 Watch this segment live on FITM Monday, September 25th between 8:00 and 8:30a.m.
Background: The onset of adolescence typically brings an uncomfortable change in the relationship between parent and child. Where characteristics of sharing, relating, and mutual admiration were evident during the late childhood years (roughly 9 to 12), the developmental shift into early adolescence promotes a shift into avoidance, secretiveness, and public embarrassment. Once 12 year old Courtney began Middle School, she requested that her mother drop her off a block away from school so she could walk in herself and not look too dependent on her mother. Courtney would leave the car with her head held high and confidently walked upright to school, while her mother wept in the car watching her "baby" leave her behind.
Parents of the early adolescent are left feeling bewildered, sad, and angry and the degree to which these attitudes are present varies. Often they alternate with the long-established closeness and mutuality which form the basis of the normal relationship between parent and child at all levels of development, including adolescence. We tend to see this most when the adolescent is physically ill or in trouble. At these times, they will slip back into a position of "need" and will rely on the parent to help them through the temporary condition, but will then balk once they are feeling well again.
The underlying dynamics driving the child and the change in relating to the parents are multiple and are due to both physical and psychological changes. Powerful hormones and neurotransmitter changes catapult the adolescent into stronger sensations of aggression and sexuality which often become difficult for the boy or girl to manage. On the psychological side, the recognition of the parent being both a parent and a member of the opposite sex creates further conflict and anxiety. Hugs and kisses, and any form of physical contact, may produce feelings of discomfort associating the parent unconsciously to a member of the opposite sex. Privacy, modesty, locked doors, and physical distance are all common manifestations during this phase of development. 13 year-old Dylan took his own allowance money and bought himself a lock to place on his bedroom door to ensure that neither his parents of siblings could "walk in on him".
Most adolescents create door signs reading "Parents Keep Out", or "Enter At Your Own Risk", which although humorous are unnerving and underlie this developmental process. Strange music, wild posters, suggestive attire and costumes, and the absence of neatness are all indicators of the intense need to create space and independence from parents both physically psychologically while remaining in their required and needed protective atmosphere. Parents who understand adolescent development will tolerate most of these efforts to "individuate" unless the efforts are outlandish for they understand that such creations are benign aspects of differentiation. When confined to the home, although not enjoyed by most parents, the adolescent is given the chance to "safely individualize", and often when parents are tolerant of such benign efforts, behavior and attitude outside of the home is well modulated.
Another major theme in the adolescent is the need to view parents in less powerful ways in efforts to feel more in control of themselves. Due to the strong developmental need to attain enough nurturance and guidance in the earlier years of life, the adolescent attempts to break these apron strings by "de-idealizing" the parents, especially the mother. Both boys and girls come to see their mother in a less potent, more imperfect light, gradually assuming more and more power for themselves. Adolescents of both sexes tend to have a more conflictual relationship with their mother than father as they try to ward off the early wishes for fusion, not unlike how they were as toddlers years ago. Then, as now, the father, is seen in a more rational, balanced light, and commonly serves as a go-between for both the mother and child.
From a parenting perspective, just as the toddler required the consistent presence of the parents to help them work through their conflicts and manage their behaviors, so does the adolescent need regular contact with parents to help them safely manage the developmental tasks of this stage of development. The optimal parental position is a combination of consistent caring and the exercise of mature judgment and limit setting, while gradually allowing the adolescent increased freedom and responsibility once they have demonstrated enough functional maturity.
What often further complicates the interaction between adolescents and their parents is the strong emotional conflicts that arise in both the child and parent alike. The more the parents can manage their emotions during this time and try to better self-understand what conflicts are being awakened, which may date back to one's own childhood and adolescence, the better the parent is prepared to help their child and themselves get through this exciting, yet challenging, phase of development.
Optimal Adolescent Parenting Key Points:
1. Parents need to have regular contact with their adolescent despite resistance.
2. Consistent caring is blended with mature judgment and limit setting.
3. Gradual freedom and responsibility is introduced based on demonstrated maturity and self-responsibility.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox6 News - San Diego
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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