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Watch this segment live on FITM this Monday, October 23rd between 8:00 and 8:30a.m.
Background: Four-year old Thomas was always described as a happy go lucky infant and toddler. Loved and adored by all, except perhaps by his older sister by two years, Stephanie, his development was unremarkable. He did go through the expected negativism, also known as the "terrible twos", between ages two and three, as a means of demonstrating wished for autonomy, but by three and a half, became more compliant when asked to follow rules. In fact, the central theme of his fantasy dress up play was him being a Policeman arresting his sister and parents when they did not comply with known house rules. His father was convinced that he might become a judge someday. One noted change from his mother was that he did not seem to get "overly angry" any longer and both parents were both relieved, yet puzzled. Then something very interesting began to emerge. Just prior to Thomas's fourth birthday, he developed two distinct fears: the dark and the concept that monsters were living in his closet. Convinced that he must have seen something too scary for him on television, his parents became much more careful about the content of the shows he would watch thereafter. Nevertheless, the fears continued and he also began having periodic night terrors. Here, Thomas began to become much more sensitive at nighttime and needed extra support when going to bed and much assurance that everything was all right. Each night he made his dad open his closet, turn on the light, and wave his tennis racquet around a few times to scare the monsters away so Thomas could go to sleep. Baffled, both parents did remember that Stephanie also went through a period of acute fears and seemed to "grow out of them" by age five, but they were very concerned about how worried Thomas had become.
Such a story is common in most households with children between the ages of three and five. In fact, it is during these ages where fears are actually normal and an expected part of development. The reason is that in this stage of development children are developing their Conscience and internal conflicts become evident in their minds for the first time in their lives. Here, their minds are attempting to negotiate between strong opposing forces. On the one hand are strong feelings such as anger and on the other is a voice from a newfound conscience telling them they must follow rules and be good bosses of their feelings. For the young mind, this can be confusing for they have difficulty differentiating thought from action. In other words, when a three year old thinks about anger, they fear impulse and often times do act out due to immaturity. This is because thay are in a stage of cognitive development predominantly filled with fantasy. The development of their conscience serves to help modulate this interaction and "fear" then often becomes the factor that prevents the child from impulse. In other words, the fear stops the child from feared acting out. The adult conversion of this process is guilt. The obvious pain that is often noticed by the caring parent as their child goes through this stage of development indicates that this "new" conscience is relatively harsh, which once again is normal. However, as time moves forward, the Conscience tends to settle down and not be as venomous when the child is experiencing strong feelings such as anger and the fears tend to dissipate during years five to seven. Reality thinking becomes more prominent over fantasy thinking and the typical child then has internalized a less harsh conscience but is still insistent on people following the rules, but does not become overly fearful when they are experiencing strong affects such as anger.
Key Points
1. Fears between ages 3 and 5 are normal and expected
2. Fears are evident of a developing Conscience
3. Childhood fears extinguish usually by ages 6 to 7
4. Parents can help by being supportive/nurturing
5. Fears and Phobias after ages 7 are symptoms of anxiety beyond normal development
Dr. Keith Kanner
Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox6 News - San Diego
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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