Watch this segment live on Monday, July 16th @ 8:15am on Fox6 In the Morning.
Background: For 9 year-old Sandy, there is nothing that she likes to do more than have a sleep-over with her best friends over the summer. As with most children, spending time with their friends after about the age of 5 or 6, is preferable than family time. This is primarily due to the healthy child feeling comfortable with him or herself and wanting to develop a better sense of self-confidence and ability independently from their parents. In addition, friends seem to have a better handle of the daily feelings, interests, and aspirations than even the closest adults in the child’s life.
For parents however, the sleep-over can be a source of stress for a number of reasons. To begin with, having another child in one’s house can be an inconvenience, loud, and at times hectic. Furthermore, the behavior when children come to visit may be more impulsive and annoying for many parents. And then, there is the sibling reaction. Here, the siblings of the child who is having the guest visit, often become angry and intrusive, causing complications and at times fighting.
On the other hand, many parents prefer having sleep-overs due to their child seemingly being in a better mood, less bothersome to parents, and engaged in activities where he or she is learning how to share and develop better friendships. In summary, depending upon a number of conditions, a sleep over can be a pleasure or a nightmare.
To engineer a successful sleep-over, parents need to establish the following criteria: First, the recognition that a sleep-over is a positive sign of a growing child and not a rejection of the parent or families. Many parents feel hurt when their son or daughter prefers to play with a friend rather than an adult, despite the normalcy of children needing to play with their peers. Children learn and internalize important lessons about life and help one another feel comfortable with challenges. The parental “hurt” feeling once conveyed to the child can instill feelings of guilt and lead to inhibition of the child developing friendships, which can cause serious developmental problems for the child.
Second, if a sleep-over is granted, the attuned parent needs to set rules to both children about expectations when the child is spending the night. In other words, some structure is essential to help the children manage their feelings and behavior. Examples would include noise level, types of activities played, bedtime hour, and the encouragement of sharing. When parents set such important limits from the get go, the sleep-over or play-date tends to go smoothly.
Third, the parent must keep the other siblings out of the mix. A younger brother or sister can ruin the good intention of an overnight due to feelings of envy and desires to be included in the activities. When parents allow this to happen however, without the consent of the host child, fighting is typical and everyone suffers. It is always suggested that of one child has a sleep-over, the other child has one as well, perhaps at a friend’s house to avoid an overlap, or perhaps the parent can spend some alone time with the other child to offset the envy towards the sibling who is having the play-date.
Fourth, plan ahead of time with your child the types of activities they will be doing over the sleep-over. Included in this preparation would be the necessity of giving the guest some choice and also emphasizing the concept of reciprocity. Such planning has a tendency to prevent frustration and give the experience some structure.
Finally, have a set time that the sleep-over will end. This prevents the possibility of the children belaboring the ending of the encounter and helps them get used to adjusting to the rest of their day.
Key Points:
1. Sleep-overs are a healthy part of development and indicate growth and maturity.
2. Set rules with both children from the beginning.
3. Keep siblings out of the mix.
4. Plan the activities ahead of time with your child.
5. Have a set time when the overnight will end.Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News – San Diego
