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Watch Dr. Kanner live this Monday morning, January 14th on Fox6 News In The Morning discuss this topic in more detail.
Background: Much has
been written about the difficult, yet common and normal consequences of
sibling rivalry, but relatively little has been mentioned about how an
older sibling can be both helpful and also benefit from having a
younger brother or sister. Most well-intended parents do their best to
promote fairness, equal amounts of attention, and try to help siblings
best negotiate, but few parents have guidance on how to best utilize
age and developmental differences to optimize both the sibling
relationships and also calm the waters at home during conflicts. When
parents are informed of such important criteria, this not only helps
reduce sibling rivalry, but is also assists in the development and
personalities of each child. Even more impressive is that the older
child gains both self-confidence and takes in the benefits from helping
to guide a younger sibling through critical developmental periods.
Obviously, the age difference between the siblings is an important
consideration and will impact the degree to which the older child can
grasp how he or she is different and more mature than the younger
brother or sister. The greater the space difference, the better it is
to both reduce the effects of sibling rivalry and also allows for
greater maturity on behalf of the older child. As I have written in
previous segments, if parents can space children apart by three years or more,
this truly helps both children for having this time difference allows
for the children to be at different developmental stages. This then
reduces competition, has allowed the older child to feel independently
"special", and by this time, the child is usually desiring more
independence from their parents. In other words, by three, most boys
and girls are invested in being "bigger" and look forward to more
advanced items, such as the "big" boy or "big" girl bed from sleeping
in a crib. This investment in maturity then can be very useful when
a new baby arrives for the older sibling feels as though he or she are
no longer "the baby" and do not have the same needs as their smaller
brother or sister.
Once there is this developmental difference, the parents can then
capitalize on promoting the special differences between the children
and communicate such to the older sibling. Communicating to the older
sibling that they are older, more mature, smarter, stronger, and that
the younger sibling "wishes" they could be like them, serves to make
the older child feel proud and strong, and often then outweighs the
envy that they feel as their smaller sibling receives significant
attention and love that the older one has weaned from over the previous
years. In other words, when parents make each child feel "special" in
their own right, this reduces the competition between the children and
allows for each of them to feel independent of one another.
Many parents refrain from having the older child "discipline" a younger
sibling for they want to reserve the right of parenting to the parents,
which is important, but on the other hand, when an older sibling
"helps" to guide a younger one in areas such as self-control, learning
right from wrong, sharing, taking turns, and using words to express
their feelings, this becomes mutually beneficial for both children.
Here, the younger child is hearing important guidance from not only
their parents, but also a sibling, who is closer to their age and the
older child benefits from learning from what they are teaching their
sibling. In other words, what they teach their sibling furthers their
taking in of the concepts, a term that as Child Psychoanalysts we refer to as a "parallel process". Furthermore, when the older sibling takes
such a mature stance with their younger counterpart, it builds respect
of the younger child towards their older brother or sister. This will
then lead to greater toleration of the older sibling's management of
the younger child's periods of immaturity.
Although many parents cannot space their children three years apart,
the concepts of making each child feel special and different is
essential and needs to continue throughout their adolescence. Having consistent rules and holding all children accountable for their actions is another must in good parenting as younger siblings will also copy what they learn from watching their older brother or sister. These concepts are
further integrated when parents make sure they spend alone time with
each child aside from family time where there is more concentrated time to have fun, guide, and learn together . However, a child under three years
of age will be limited on the degree to which they can model and
promote more mature behavior and attitude to their younger sibling
based on the fact they they too are still in the process learning to
better manage themselves are are still quite dependent on mom and dad
to manage everyday endeavors. It helps however when parents stay
consistent in their conveyance of rules, expectations, and values
expressed within the entire family environment. Here, as the younger
child observes their older brother or sister following such guidelines,
they too will want to follow in their footsteps which can then lead to
less havoc in thehousehold.
In conclusion, older siblings can be wonderfully helpful in helping a
younger sibling learn the ropes of development. If promoted well by
the parents, this can have beneficial effects on not only the children,
but also make the family environment a more enjoyable place for all.
Key Points:
1. Older siblings can help in the development of their siblings.
2. Teaching of an older to a younger sibling is beneficial to both.
3. The older the sibling, the more influential
4. Making each child feel special reduces sibling rivalry.
5. Staying consistent with all children is essential irrespective of age.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News - San Diego
San Diego Living Show
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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