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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, January 21st @ 8:15am on Fox6 News In The Morning.
Background: When
16 year-old Brian finished and passed his driving test, he assumed that
this achievement would automatically extend his 11pm weekend curfew by
his parents. After all, he was mature enough to drive a car, got good
grades in school, infrequently got himself in trouble, and wanted to
practice his independence before he left for college. His parents
however, had other thoughts. They knew the statistics of teenage
driving accidents, especially late at night, did not want him to "go
wild" with his freedom, and still felt that while he was still in high
school, that they needed to keep an eye on him despite his "good
character". Brian, on the other hand, was furious at his parents, and
refused to talk to them for a week if they were to continue to enforce
their restrictions. In addition, he told them that this was making him
very angry and that he was contemplating "not carin! g about his school
work". His parents were then caught in a bind. On the one hand they
were understandably concerned about his psychological and physical
welfare which is why they wanted to uphold his 11pm curfew, but on the
other hand, did not want him to feel "punished" by his good efforts in
school, driving, and personal care.
Such an example is all too common for any parent or parents who have
teenagers. Battles over curfews are just as frequent as battles over
homework, choice of clothing, media viewing, and dating rules. Parents
are therefore placed in a very difficult position - they want to
protect, but also enhance independence and confidence in their child's
decisions which ultimately leads to better self-esteem, independent
functioning, and future success.
Adolescents however are not yet "mature" adults by definition.
Numerous studies over the years document that parents need to continue
"oversee" their children usually until at a minimum late adolescence
(17 or 18 years) and sometimes later depending upon the individual
teenager. Sure, there are some children and adolescents who are just
"naturally" responsible, but most have their ups and downs and need
their parents to be the gatekeepers until they are ready to fly from
the nest which is commonly when they get settled in college or the
workplace.
So, how can parents both protect, but also promote the adolescent's drive towards independence?
The answer is based on the particular adolescent's track record.
When parents are aware of their child's capacity to manage their lives,
academically, socially, and healthfully, this gives the parent actual
data to make personal decisions of all aspects of their child's life,
including curfew times. Such an individual approach takes into account
the recognition that each child is a individual and has different needs
from their peers. There are some additional considerations however
that each parent must consider such as: 1) particular laws in each city
or state about curfew times; 2) legal rules about the whereabouts of
teenagers after hours; 3) having an open line of communication with
your teenager so you "know generally where they are"; 4) a plan of
getting help if necessary; and 5) the parent always being "on-call" for
emergencies. I! t is additionally important that all parents educate
their teenagers about everything from driving statistics to social and
dating concerns. Even though most adolescents will tell their parents
that they "already know this stuff", the "mature" parent still needs to
cover their bases.
In most cases, as teenagers mature and take better care of themselves,
parents feel more comfortable giving them some additional leverage and
this makes sense. But it is very important that parents keep a
watchful eye over such new endeavors, for sometimes too much becomes
too much for the teenager and the parent has to pull back on the
reigns. Parenting a teenager is considered one of the most stressful
times for parents for the enterprise entails trial and error. But, for
the parents who practice good judgment, know their child, are fair, and
understand what is normal and not developmentally for their teenager,
they fair much better than the ones who are either naive or try to
befriend their teenager. Parents need to always be parents and their
children will ultimately appreciate such an investment. On the side of
the healthy teenager, such an approach is deemed as "fair" and makes
sense to most of them - they make accuse the parent of being "!
over-protective", but also see them as being "loving, caring, and
fair".
Key Points:
1. Set curfews based on your teenagers individual attributes.
2. Always consider the laws in your city or state.
3. In most cases, curfews are slowly extended due to personal maturity.
4. Parents who have good judgment, know their child, are fair, and understand development fair the best with their teenager.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News - San Diego
San Diego Living Show
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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