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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live on Monday, Febraury 4th @ 8:15am on FITM.
Background: Debbie
always thought she had a great relationship with her 2 and a half year
old son Benjamin. As a full time mom during his infancy, she and Ben
were close and happy as the two of them spent hours of time during the
day bonding, learning, and playing. It was during his third year
however, that their relationship went through a significant change.
Benjamin became frequently frustrated with Debbie whenever she would
say "no" to him or not gratify his numerous wishes. As he was becoming
more verbal, he would let her know his dismay by telling her he "did
not like her"; that she "was a bad mom" and would often pout and ignore
her. For Debbie, this left her feeling both bewildered and sad. "How
could he change so quickly", and "where did I go wrong creating a rude
child".
Little did Debbie realize was that what Benjamin was doing was a very
good sign of normal development. Between the second and fourth years
of life as children become more comfortable with themselves, usually
due to good parenting, and desire more independence as they try to find
ways to separate from their parents, especially their mother. Despite
strong needs to remain close to their primary caregivers, another part
of them has identified that they are a separate being and want to
explore their worlds with more autonomy. The mother therefore, or
whichever parent is the primary caretaker, becomes the obstacle to such
intentions and are therefore targeted as the enemy during such times.
This is balanced however with the child's continued needs to be
nurtured and to retain the love and admiration of the parent.
Once the "terrible twos" has been worked through, usually due to the
child feeling internally loved for being a separate being, but also has
learned to comply with certain rules that mom and dad insist upon, the
early childhood years between 5 and 6 are less argumentative as the
child is practicing being a "bigger girl or boy" and tries to relate on
a more mature level with his or her parents. Fantasies of being
adults, superheroes, princesses, and policemen, occupy hours of
imaginative play and can be very entertaining for the parents.
However, once the child learns about more of the realities of life and
that their wishful magical desires are impossible, they become
disappointed and frustrated. Such feelings then become placed onto the
parents, especially mother, and once again requests for compliance are
often met with resistance and anger. As a residue from the
disappointment of thwarted wishes, everything doesn't feel "fair" and
requests to do th! ings from taking showers to completing homework
feels intrusive and fights between children and their parents are
common. Once again, the mother is the "bad news" messenger and gets an
earful.
Sometimes the years between 10 and 11 are calmer, depending upon
the temperament of the child, and how well he or she manages feelings
of anger and frustration, but once pre-adolescence and the adolescent
years proper evolve, mom once again becomes a frequent target of
displeasure. For the girls, the cause is a combination of envy,
competition, and wishes for more independence, and the boys a
combination of identifying mom as both powerful and also a member of
the opposite sex, causes anxiety and at times significant distance.
Once adolescence is over however, both boys and girls typically develop
healthy relationships with their parents as they have worked through
the kinks of development and are once and for all independent beings.
So, how can mothers weather the storms of their children's needs to
separate from them and continue to love, nurture, and parent them
through this process? To make matters even more complicated, fathers
tend not to receive the extent of the negativity that the mother
endures. This is due to the fact that fathers tend to be more of a
medium between mother and child and assist in the process of separation
due to the fact that the mother, or whichever parent is the one who
spends the most time with the children, is viewed as the one who is the
most frustrating and limiting and therefore receives the most
negativity.
1. Understand that maternal rejection is a normal and expected aspect of development.
2. Don't take it personally.
3. Manage your feelings of sadness and frustration.
4. Continue to be loving, empathic, but set limits when the negativism crosses the line.
5. Get your spouse to support your position.
6. Realize that these are only stages.
The mothers who understand and practice these important principles,
tend to manage these stages with their children in the most optimal
ways and their children move through his or her development with less
difficulties then when mothers and fathers react in ways which either
make their child feel bad or abandoned.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters
Fox6 News - San Diego
San Diego Living Show
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