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Watch Dr. Kanner live this Monday @ 8:15am on Fox News In The Morning discuss this topic.
Background:
"Sugar, spice, and everything nice". This is the common adage when one
associates going over to grandma's house. This is certainly the case
for 5 year old Sophia. She visits with her grandmother every Saturday
and is showered with candy, gifts, Webkinz, and activities. She can't
wait to go and talks about the visit all week long. The visit is
equally gratifying for her grandmother, who compares Sophia to
likenesses of her mother at the same age. "It feels like the old days
to me", grandma states. But, once the visit is over, Sophia's attitude
changes and she becomes angered and impulsive once she gets back to her
home with her mother. This "attitude" can last from hours to days and
is very stressful for Sophia's mother Debbie. "Grandma's house is like
Disneyland and she lets Sophia do whatever she wants and this makes her
very angry once she gets home and back t! o reality involving rules and
expectations". Debbie has discussed her concerns with her mother about
trying to be more consistent with her rules when Sophia comes to visit
her, but grandma does not want to be the disciplinarian.
Grandchildren are wonderful extensions of passing along family
linkages and in many ways are as pleasing as raising one's own
children. Spending time with grandchildren often brings back fond
memories and experiences of raising children and re-living the old days
of parenting young children. It also keeps the grandparent feeling
young and engaged. However, on the other hand, differences often arise
in differing values and beliefs in how the grandchild "should be
raised" and what should be allowed and prohibited based on everything
from generational differences to personal experiences. For example, in
some families, practices of discipline are consistent along
generational lines and in other cases, the parents of the child decide
to change old patterns. Such differences can frequently cause
conflicts between the parent and grandparent and also become confusing
for the child if the practices are "too" different in each household.
The example! of Sophia's difficulty re-adjusting to her home is an
example of such confusion on the part of a child. In many cases, both
grandparents and parents disagree on ways to raise a child, which at
times can result in verbal disputes and mixed messages to a child
leaving him or her feeling caught in the middle.
So, how can the grandparents and parents work better together on behalf of raising the grandchild?
1. Be mature and talk about beliefs about raising children without the child present.
2. Parents need to educate the grandparents of your parenting style, rules, and expectations.
3. Work as a team on behalf of the child to avoid making them feel confused.
4. When a concern about a parenting style arises, try to be sensitive
when discussing it with the other party and reinforce that you are not
trying to be critical, but helpful.
Grandma's house should be filled with "sugar and spice", but also have
some basic consistency with certain commonalities from their "home" to
avoid making the child feel confused and anxious.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News - San Diego
San Diego Living Show
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