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Watch Dr. Kanner review this topic live tomoorrow morning on FITM @ 8:15a.m..
Background: By Middle
to Late Adolescence, most teenagers long to have a boyfriend or
girlfriend. Aside from desires for closeness from someone of the
opposite sex, relationships with the opposite sex also represent
autonomy, separation from parents, and solidify gender and heterosexual
interests. For many adolescents however, they do not have such
relationships as of yet and sometimes end up feeling "bad" about
themselves and this can at times lead to problems ranging from
depression to eating disorders just to name a few. Parents are then
often faced with concerns as how to help their child manage such
difficult feelings.
.
The first issue for parents to consider is that such adolescents are
NOT alone. In other words, not everyone has a boyfriend or girlfriend
in high school, due to all sorts of reasons such as academic
seriousness, sport team devotions, shyness, or even religious
orientations. But is is absolutely normal to want a relationship and
many adolescents do not know how to go about meeting that "special"
person. Unlike the adult self-help book world, there is no book
designed to help teenagers look for partners, partially due to this may
seemingly being politically incorrect - therefore, much is placed on
personality, opportunity, and other variables, such as peer group
interests. To make matters even more complicated for girls, society
does not promote girls being proactive in seeking out boys. Many
adolescent girls have told me that girls who seek out boys are
considered "loose" or "slutty". Therefore, it is not easy for girls to
approach boys wi! thout perhaps being mis-labeled.
Parents also are usually not in a rush for their child to be
romantically involved for many reasons including sexual contact,
getting hurt, losing academic motivation, and perhaps fears of growing
up too fast. In fact many parents become saddened once their teenager
has a girlfriend or boyfriend for their child places much more
attention into these relationships then the ones at home. Therefore,
despite the normality of such relationships in the middle to late
adolescent years, parents infrequently "push" such relationships and
the task is left to the particular child to meet others.
Finding "healthy" relationships is also vital and often times when
there is trouble at home or the child him or herself is struggling with
too much internal conflict, such choices may not be good ones leading
to all sort of problems. However, there does seem to be a pretty
solid recipe for girls to meet boys and vice versa and not be called
names or seem insecure and also make healthier choices. Below is my
list:
1. Be comfortable with yourself. Take pride in who you
are and be nice to yourself. Make daily positive statements to
yourself about your attributes and accomplishments. This will result
in giving off a nice non-verbal impression of yourself to others.
2. Enjoy your friendships with your peers. When girls and
boys have good friendships with one another, they can talk about
anything, including the opposite sex and concerns about dating, sex,
etc. Here, the peers provide a good support group for one another and
also can encourage each other and provide advice.
3. Be approachable. When boys and girls look at each
other, they look for reactions. If a girl is interested in a boy and
smiles back when he looks her way, the boy will feel more comfortable
in approaching her because he will not be as afraid of rejection.
4. Find neutral topics to discuss with the opposite sex.
The old adage of "being friends first" applies to this one. Boys love
girls who they can talk to about common everyday topics. The girl does
not have to be a football statistic expert, but being able to talk
about common topics, such as music, school, politics, and other people,
is a very good ice breaker for relationships to develop.
5. Respect yourself. Often times, due to anxiety, both
boys and girls might compromise they integrity because they "want to be
liked" by the opposite. This backfires however, for the adolescent
then feels ashamed afterwards and often times is not respected by the
other person. Therefore, it is important for parents to stress that
their child not place themself in an uncomfortable situation and do not
be afraid to say "no". This will build respect from the other person
and if they really like you, they will honor your word.
6. Rejection is normal. Love is very subjective and there
are plenty of other people in the world if this particular relationship
does not work. Most adolescents do not comprehend that most
relationships in high school last from 3 to 6 weeks, and have
confidence that there are others out there if this one does not work
out. Having such knowledge takes the pressure off the adolescent and
helps them better tolerate misfortune.
When parents are aware of these areas and can comfortably talk to their
teen about them, this can lessen anxiety and additionally allow for
more closeness between the teen and their parents.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters
Fox 6 News- San Diego
San Diego Living Show
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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