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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, May 19th @ 8:15a.m. on Fox6 News In The Morning.
Every parent has the same
experience – becoming bombarded with a plethora of questions from their
children arising shortly after they learn to talk and increasing during
the childhood years and then tapering down during adolescence. Within
each of these interactions are also concerns about what is the “right”
or “wrong” thing to say based on both the message that the parent
wishes to convey matched with a concern about how their child will
digest the information.
To complicate this further is that the very same question that a 4 year
old asks their parent has very different meaning than the same question
asked by a 10 year old and the response from the parent needs to take
into consideration these developmental differences. Although children
have an inborn drive to learn about his or her world, their young minds
are only able to digest and utilize information that they are able to
comprehend art any particular age. We called this “functional
development”. For example, if a child is given “too much information,
or too much graphic information”” at a too young of age, the well
intended information may actually cause more harm than good. On the
other hand too little information, or a complete avoidance of the
topic, may leave the child feeling “bad” about what they asked or lead
them to continue to seek the information which may result in them
getting feedback that the parent may or may not feel comfortable with.
The key point here is that when children ask questions, they need
answers as they attempt to understand their minds and the world around
them. The role of the parent is to supply them with enough adequate
information, but not to either overwhelm them with detail which is
beyond their developmental level, or not give them enough information
to satisfy their curiosity.
But, how do parents know what is too much or just enough, based on the
developmental level of their child? Most parents do not have degrees
in child development and there is no cookbook about right versus wrong
answers. Part of the answer is common sense and the other is trying to
learn more about what children at different ages are able to
comprehend. Many times, parents also learn from trial and error.
Here, they may answer a particular question and the result then makes
the child more anxious. Typically, this type of experience then helps
the parent learn that their well-intended answer may have been too much
for their child and the next time they are more careful. On the other
hand, if the answer is not sufficient enough for the child, he or she
will continue to repeat him or herself until the parent meets their
need.
Most parents want to be honest and give adequate information and this
is a good rule of thumb. What is considered adequate however has to be
adjusted to the age and developmental level of the child however. As
mentioned earlier, too much, or too graphic, is too much. Therefore,
answers need to be clear and informative but not beyond what your child
can understand at his or her age. For example, when a 5 year old asks
their mom or dad “where babies come from”, which is a frequent and
important question (they are asking about themselves), giving them
information about sex and body parts would be potentially overwhelming
for them and could cause anxiety and even impulsivity. This is because
this type of reasoning is beyond what they are able to comprehend and
when children are exposed to information too advanced for them,
symptoms can develop – we see the same types of manifestations when
children are exposed to television too graphic for them to understand.
Instead, teaching them about how later in life when mothers and fathers
love each other they have children to celebrate their love for one
another, is often enough for the inquisitive 5 year old to feel
satisfied with their question. In fact, you, this type of answer even
makes them feel special at the same time! The same question however
posed by a pre-adolescent would warrant a different response based on
the pre-teen understanding more about bodies and sexual differences
between the sexes. Here, parents can begin to talk to their children
about their bodies, lay some ground work about sexuality, and talk
about the ideas of love, caring, and maturity. For discussions about
sexuality and bodies with the pre-teens (10 and higher) and
adolescents, I do always suggest that the parent of the same sex be the
one to chair the meeting to lessen potential anxiety for the child.
There are also a variety of books written for the pre-teens and
teenagers about sexuality which can be very helpful for the inquisitive
child. However, once again, parents need to be careful to both not
give too much or too little information at this age as well. Reading
over such a book before handing it over to your child is another good
idea. In this regard, talking too much about “sex” can be too much
for them, but if too little information is disclosed will lead to
discomfort and potential frustration. Again, sensible, matter of
fact, and “just enough” to satisfy the question is the best method.
Children are wonderful at telling us if they are not satisfied – they
will just keep asking if we do not give them what “they need”. When we
do however, they move on until the next question emerges.
Key Points:
1. do not avoid answering your child’s questions
2. answer questions with consideration of their age and developmental level
3. do not give them “too much” information, but just enough to satisfy them
4. refer to third party materials to help you teach them if necessary
5. the same question will arise again at later dates allowing for more information
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News
San Diego Living Show
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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