San Diego Community

"Planning Ahead For Summer"

Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this segment this Monday, April 28th @ 8:15a.m. on Fox 6 News In The Morning.

Background:  Planning ahead for a successful summer is important for the mental health of the child and parent alike.  Many parents wait until the very last minute to schedule activities for their child creating problems with scheduling and camps filling up quickly.  Another common pitfall is either allowing the child free reign about their summer activities or, on the other hand, the parent micromanaging the activities of their child’s summer.  Parents need to both ask themselves what they believe is in the best interest of their child over the summer as well as consulting with their child to determine their understood needs as well.  Ideally, summertime should be a balance between scheduled activities and play for the child.  Time should be scheduled for activities such as camps, academic remediation if necessary, and plenty of time for rest and play with friends.  Summer is also a time to try new skills that often cannot be attempted during the school year because of too many time constraints (i.e. taking up a musical instrument).  Finally, summer is also an important time for families to spend time together on vacation or merely enjoying each other’s company.

Referencing activities, the attentive parent should be the one to introduce the concept of a balanced summer to their child and then discuss options with them allowing the child some choice in the type of scheduled activities they will participate within.  (i.e. the type of camp they may attend; a type of sport to learn).  Children and adolescents are not capable of doing this alone.  Once determined, it is important to find programs which are organized, have a low staff to camper ratio, have good reputations, and are importantly, fun.

Balancing fun camps and activities with some academic or artistic activity helps keeps the child’s mind in learning shape and often makes the transition back to school in the Fall an easier transition.  Research shows that a scheduled and balanced summer also leads to higher self-esteem, greater productivity, less anxiety and opposition, and more harmony around the house.  Parents following these recommendations are less anxious as well.  

Key Points:
1.  Parents:  Introduce the concept of a balanced summer
2.  Plan out activities in advance and put on a schedule
3.  Give some choice in picking the type of activities to do
4.  Find programs with good reputations and low staff/camper ratios
5.  Plan academic remediation if necessary
6.  Don’t forget about family time

Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News – San Diego
San Diego Living Show

Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this segment on Monday, April 14th, 2008 @ 8:15a.m. on Fox6 News In The Morning.

Background:  With the recent identification and arrests in the polygamist compound in Texas, many have asked how such vast numbers of children, adolescents, and many adults could be victimized from the earliest ages of childhood onward without crying out for help.  The story broke when one brave adolescent girl notified the Police that she was being help against her will.    Many question that despite the community being isolated in a commune- style environment, it was part of a greater society that did have contact with the outside world and it seemed inconceivable to many that such practices went on for such a time without anyone in the past calling out for help.

To better understand such circumstances, in this community, one must better understand the influences of aggressive authoritative practices introduced to children at a very young age.  Often times, a religious overlay further justifies the practices in such sub-cultures instilling both fear and even feared death if one does not comply.

In this particular community, once a girl reached puberty, she was required to marry and bear children with much older men, often at least the age of their own biological fathers.  To further instill compliance, as infants these children were forced to live within other families to detour any ideas about bonding and escaping from the community.  Further threats of being “excluded from the community and their families” if they both interacted with the outside world were also communicated to the girls and women in this commune making them feel dependent upon the elder males in the colony who made and enforced the rules.

Child abuse advocates are rightfully disgusted by these findings and have stated that such practices satisfy numerous child physical and sexual abuse statutes and are very concerned about the long term effects on these girls and women as they will attempt to rehabilitate them now that they are free from harms way.  The activities in this colony have been compared to incidents of “white slavery” and “Pedophilia”  which also have the similar dynamics of instilling fear and threat into the victims if they do not comply.

The horror in this story highlight the effects of “brainwashing” on the minds of both children and adults.  Research teaches us that the earlier exposure to such enterprises, the harder it is to break the cycle as the child does not know any difference from what they are being taught as fear keeps them from turning or learning from others who could introduce “normal” lifestyles. To further intensify such conditions, when children observe trusted adults following the same rituals, any deviation from such rules instills guilt and shame which further leads to compliance.   

Aggressive and fearful authority figures combined with some sort of religious justification enforced through physical and psychological manipulation are the common denominator in cults, communes, and even families where child abuse manifests.  The adults who carry out these practices tend to be very disturbed people, even sometimes psychotic, but at least anti-social in origin and always narcissistic indicating that they believe that their behavior is justified and that they are somehow “special”.  When children are exposed to such characters, they feel paralyzed and required to comply for fear of their safety which then continues throughout adulthood if they remain “jailed” in the community.  If contained to a commune-style environment without external influences, the practices can continue for years, even decades.

But what about adults who join such communities after living in the “outside world”?. Here, there tend to be two types.  In the first case is the adult who affiliates due to insecurity and is looking for some sort of union to help them feel “loved” and “connected” to some sort of group.  Here, the leaders feel like an authoritative parent where such interaction feels like some sort of love or caring which the vulnerable adult may be seeking to fill some sort of internal or external void.  The compromise often is abuse, manipulation, and even brainwashing – a very sad and dangerous price to pay for some sort of desired union.  In the second case, is an individual seeking “power” and “domination” and joins such groups in order to manipulate others.  As a example, one adult male interviewed and who was a past member of the Texas Polygamy group stated that he joined for “the sex”.  One can then see how the combination of such “types” can lead to such pathological interactions.  

The saddest part of these types of stories is that helping the “vulnerable” victims who have been exposed to such environments is a very complicated process.  Merely teaching them that their experiences were “abusive” is not enough for them to feel relief for they have “lived the experience” for a variety of reasons and the practices have become “second-nature”.  In other words, the rituals and practices have become their way of life and the conceptualization of anything different may seem relieving to others, but frightening due to the long standing familiarity of their experiences and the fear of change.  Such dynamics are well-known to all of the dedicated professionals who help victims of abuse and realize that it will takes perhaps years for any of these children and adolescents to feel safe.

A very important message to all parents is that the exposure to early experiences shapes a child’s personality for the years to come.  Protecting one’s child early from negative experiences, coupled with helping them feel good about themselves with a solid sense of independence, lessens the potential for a child feeling vulnerable and hungry for some sort of outside source of comfort, which may inadvertently be dangerous or even worse, life threatening.  


Key Points:

1.   Leaders tend to be both disturbed, aggressive and authoritative
2    Religion is mis-quoted and use to further manipulate victims
3    Fear is instilled into the victim is they do not comply
4    The earlier the influence, the worse
5    Rehabilitation takes a long time


Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News – San Diego
San Diego Living Show

Watch Dr. Kanner review this topic live tomoorrow morning on FITM @ 8:15a.m..

Background:  By Middle to Late Adolescence, most teenagers long to have a boyfriend or girlfriend.  Aside from desires for closeness from someone of the opposite sex, relationships with the opposite sex also represent autonomy, separation from parents, and solidify gender and heterosexual interests.  For many adolescents however, they do not have such relationships as of yet and sometimes end up feeling "bad" about themselves and this can at times lead to problems ranging from depression to eating disorders just to name a few.  Parents are then often faced with concerns as how to help their child manage such difficult feelings.
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The first issue for parents to consider is that such adolescents are NOT alone.  In other words, not everyone has a boyfriend or girlfriend in high school, due to all sorts of reasons such as academic seriousness, sport team devotions, shyness, or even religious orientations.  But is is absolutely normal to want a relationship and many adolescents do not know how to go about meeting that "special" person.  Unlike the adult self-help book world, there is no book designed to help teenagers look for partners, partially due to this may seemingly being politically incorrect - therefore, much is placed on personality, opportunity, and other variables, such as peer group interests.  To make matters even more complicated for girls, society does not promote girls being proactive in seeking out boys.  Many adolescent girls have told me that girls who seek out boys are considered "loose" or "slutty".  Therefore, it is not easy for girls to approach boys wi! thout perhaps being mis-labeled. 

Parents also are usually not in a rush for their child to be romantically involved for many reasons including sexual contact, getting hurt, losing academic motivation, and perhaps fears of growing up too fast.  In fact many parents become saddened once their teenager has a girlfriend or boyfriend for their child places much more attention into these relationships then the ones at home. Therefore, despite the normality of such relationships in the middle to late adolescent years, parents infrequently "push" such relationships and the task is left to the particular  child to meet others.

Finding "healthy" relationships is also vital and often times when there is trouble at home or the child him or herself is struggling with too much internal conflict, such choices may not be good ones leading to all sort of problems.   However, there does seem to be a pretty solid recipe for girls to meet boys and vice versa and not be called names or seem insecure and also make healthier choices.  Below is my list:

1.  Be comfortable with yourself.  Take pride in who you are and be nice to yourself.  Make daily positive statements to yourself about your attributes and accomplishments.  This will result in giving off a nice non-verbal impression of yourself to others.

2.  Enjoy your friendships with your peers.  When girls and boys have good friendships with one another, they can talk about anything, including the opposite sex and concerns about dating, sex, etc.  Here, the peers provide a good support group for one another and also can encourage each other and provide advice.

3.  Be approachable.  When boys and girls look at each other, they look for reactions.  If a girl is interested in a boy and smiles back when he looks her way, the boy will feel more comfortable in approaching her because he will not be as afraid of rejection. 

4.  Find neutral topics to discuss with the opposite sex. The old adage of "being friends first" applies to this one.  Boys love girls who they can talk to about common everyday topics.  The girl does not have to be a football statistic expert, but being able to talk about common topics, such as music, school, politics, and other people, is a very good ice breaker for relationships to develop.

5.  Respect yourself.  Often times, due to anxiety, both boys and girls might compromise they integrity because they "want to be liked" by the opposite.  This backfires however, for the adolescent then feels ashamed afterwards and often times is not respected by the other person.  Therefore,  it is important for parents to stress that their child not place themself in an uncomfortable situation and do not be afraid to say "no".  This will build respect from the other person and if they really like you, they will honor your word.

6.  Rejection is normal.  Love is very subjective and there are plenty of other people in the world if this particular relationship does not work.  Most adolescents do not comprehend that most relationships in high school last from 3 to 6 weeks, and have confidence that there are others out there if this one does not work out.  Having such knowledge takes the pressure off the adolescent and helps them better tolerate misfortune.

When parents are aware of these areas and can comfortably talk to their teen about them, this can lessen anxiety and additionally allow for more closeness between the teen and their parents.


Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters
Fox 6 News- San Diego
San Diego Living Show

Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday morning @ 8:15a.m. on Fox6 News In The Morning.

Background:  It is not too surprising that a recent study was released indicating that the number one cause of deaths in the teenager popular are driving-related.  These statistics pertain to both the drivers and child- passengers in cars driven by children between the ages of 15 and 18.  The numbers further suggest that the younger the driver, the higher the danger, and once through the adolescent years, the statistics decline and safety is greater for all parties involved.

Causes listed for the deaths included:  alcohol, text messaging, not wearing seat belts, distraction, and racing at high speeds, just to name a few.  Although the study made some very important suggestions to parents about how to better educate their children and provide greater safety (see Figure 1), it is also important for parents to understand from a developmental point of view, why giving an adolescent too much responsibility can backfire in certain circumstances.  This is not to say that some teenagers demonstrate the maturity to drive safely, but making the assumption purely on the basis of passing a driving test that they are mature-enough to take care of themselves and others is a risky leap.  Unfortuantely, and certainly influenced by the excited adolescent driver, is that because they passed the driving test that they have all of a sudden become "mature and responsible".  Understandably, this may seem like music to the ears of parents, but may not actually be the case.

Adolescents are in a stage of developmental flux until they pass into Young Adulthood.  In fact, much of the common rebellion that the adolescent demonstrates stems from two basic sources:  wishes to be independent and different from their parents; and second, an increase in drives such as aggression and sexuality.  These two influences then place stress on the adolescent's changing Conscience and at times causes poor judgment and acting out.  In some cases, it is worse than in others, but all teenagers have their ups and downs.  The advent of a drivers license then becomes very exciting to them and ignites all of these feelings and if the adolescent is not self-responsible enough, a crisis can occur.

Therefore, aside from sitting down with your child and reviewing the external realities of driving, as listed in Figure 1, parents also need to make their own assessment as to whether or not their child is mature-enough to handle driving a car.  This is determined by the parent or parents reviewing to themselves an overview about their own child which includes:

1.  are they doing well in school?
2.  how is their overall sense of judgment?
3.  how do they manage their stress?
4.  are they using drugs and alcohol?
5.  what are their friendships like?
6.  how do they respond to authority?
7.  are they planning ahead for their future?
8.  do they see driving as a privilege?

If the answers to such questions are positive, then you may have an adolescent who is responsible-enough to drive a car safely.  However, if the answers to these questions are negative, you may want to work with them to attain these criteria before you let them out on the streets.  It is also important to review the suggestions made in Figure 1 as well and consider putting together a "Driving Contract" which includes the requirements you have determined to allow them to use a car.  These contracts are also a nice way to help the adolescents continue to take responsibility for themselves which in the long run will increase both their self-esteem and their own safety as well as those of others.

Figure 1:

*Insist on wearing seat belts.

*Set rules about safe passenger behavior and discuss what can be distracting to the driver.

*Monitor children's travel:  where they're going; how they're getting there and who is with them.

*Know the driver - and know that it's unsafe for children to ride with teens who have less than a year of driving experience.

*Practice ways for children to feel comfortable declining a ride.

*Prepare children for facing a potentially risky driving situation.  Create a code word they can use to signal trouble and that you need to pick them up.

{Source:  The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia}

Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News - San Diego
San Diego Living Show

Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, February 25th @ 8:15am on Fox6 News In The Morning.

Background:  When 17 year-old Fred received his third rejection letter from the total of ten universities he had applied to for next year, he began to really worry.  He has spent his last two years of high school taking very difficult classes, including many AP (Advanced Placement) classes, in order to raise his GPA (Grade Point Average) to increase his chances of being accepted to one of his desired choice colleges.  In fact, because his first two years of high school were somewhat difficult for him because he did not make the full connection between good grades and college acceptance, he had to work extra diligently the past two years to be competitive in the acceptance pool.

His dedicated efforts seemed to pay off.  By the time he applied to college, he had an A average, sufficient community service, good test scores, and he even trained himself in golf to join the junior varsity golf team at his school just to have this as an asset on his resume.  In addition, he had glowing letters of recommendation from three of his teachers and won a service award for volunteering with children earlier in the year.  In other words, it seemed Fred did all the “right” things to get into college, but at this moment has been rejected by three schools he had imagined himself attending in the fall.

As with any experience of disappointment, Fred’s ego has been affected.  He feels bad, worried, and guilty for not working harder his first two years of high school.  Additionally, he is afraid he will also be rejected by his remaining seven schools and then does not know what he will do.  For the past week, he has not been able to sleep, does not want to go to school, and has been isolating himself from his friends, many of which got accepted to their schools of choice, due to feeling embarrassed.  

Fred’s parents feel terrible for his plight and have tried to be both supportive and encouraging.  His father told him that things like this happen and that they will figure out a plan if he does not get accepted to any of the ten schools he applied to.  Despite this loving and needed support from his parents, Fred continues to feel miserable and worried.  He reasoned, “Why did I work so hard over the past two years to have something like this happen to me.  Was it really worth it?”

Fred’s story is a template for the feelings thatmany high school seniors will experience over the next few months awaiting and receiving their college acceptance and rejection letters filling households with either feelings of elation or disappointment. This is a period of time which moves the late adolescent into the next stage of their lives, namely moving away from home and onto the next stage of their lives, young adulthood.  The importances of being accepted or rejected from a university can therefore not only have an effect on the individual’s self-esteem but also in reference to feelings about growing up and becoming more independent from mom and dad.

In most cases, the high school seniors are encouraged to apply to a number of schools rather than just a few due to the increased competition of acceptances these days due to a larger number of students applying to college as well as entrance requirements being much more difficult than in the years past.  In fact, a recent statement from the University of California stated that the average GPA for admission into their system is above a 3.7 or an A average.  Ten years ago the average admission was a 3.5 and twenty years ago, it was a 3.3.  These changes have put considerable pressure on both the high school student and their parents to “achieve” at very high levels.  To assist with these changes, most high school counselors suggest that aside from applying to schools of desired choice, that the student also apply to what has been termed “safety schools”, just to ensure admission somewhere to allow the student to move forward in both their psychological and academic development.

Such school counselors also try to console their students about the reality of admission competition by educating them that many students either begin college at a community college and then transfer to a four-year university or in other cases a student may decide to transfer colleges after two years at a different four-year school if they are not satisfied with their education or experience.

Rejection from college or any other experience is a difficult one for anyone and manifests in a variety of manifestations including a temporary depletion of self-esteem, sadness, anger, and confusion and doubt.  It is essential for the parents of the adolescent who is applying to college to discuss the difficult process of competition prior to the application process and also discuss back-up plans if their child does not get accepted to their preferred choices.  The attitude of the parent needs to be both supportive, loving, positive, and guiding in helping their son or daughter get through a difficult period of their life.  The parents who understand the multi-significance of college acceptance and rejection, namely that this period is not just about going to college, but has to do with the milestone of becoming an adult are the ones who become the most helpful to their child.

Key Points:

1.  College rejection causes a temporary regression and a hurt ego
2.  Parents need to be loving, encouraging, and guiding about next options
3.  Prepare your child ahead of time for possible rejection based on newfound competition
4. Consider consulting with the school counselor for planning the next step if necessary

Dr. Keith Kanner
Show Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News – San Diego

Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live on Monday, Febraury 4th @ 8:15am on FITM.

Background:  Debbie always thought she had a great relationship with her 2 and a half year old son Benjamin.  As a full time mom during his infancy, she and Ben were close and happy as the two of them spent hours of time during the day bonding, learning, and playing.  It was during his third year however, that their relationship went through a significant change.  Benjamin became frequently frustrated with Debbie whenever she would say "no" to him or not gratify his numerous wishes.  As he was becoming more verbal, he would let her know his dismay by telling her he "did not like her"; that she "was a bad mom" and would often pout and ignore her.  For Debbie, this left her feeling both bewildered and sad.  "How could he change so quickly", and "where did I go wrong creating a rude child". 

Little did Debbie realize was that what Benjamin was doing was a very good sign of normal development.  Between the second and fourth years of life as children become more comfortable with themselves, usually due to good parenting, and desire more independence as they try to find ways to separate from their parents, especially their mother.  Despite strong needs to remain close to their primary caregivers, another part of them has identified that they are a separate being and want to explore their worlds with more autonomy.  The mother therefore, or whichever parent is the primary caretaker, becomes the obstacle to such intentions and are therefore targeted as the enemy during such times.  This is balanced however with the child's continued needs to be nurtured and to retain the love and admiration of the parent. 

Once the "terrible twos" has been worked through, usually due to the child feeling internally loved for being a separate being, but also has learned to comply with certain rules that mom and dad insist upon, the early childhood years between 5 and 6 are less argumentative as the child is practicing being a "bigger girl or boy" and tries to relate on a more mature level with his or her parents.  Fantasies of being adults, superheroes, princesses, and policemen, occupy hours of imaginative play and can be very entertaining for the parents.  However, once the child learns about more of the realities of life and that their wishful magical desires are impossible, they become disappointed and frustrated.  Such feelings then become placed onto the parents, especially mother, and once again requests for compliance are often met with resistance and anger.  As a residue from the disappointment of thwarted wishes, everything doesn't feel "fair" and requests to do th! ings from taking showers to completing homework feels intrusive and fights between children and their parents are common.  Once again, the mother is the "bad news" messenger and gets an earful. 

Sometimes the years between 10 and 11 are calmer, depending upon the temperament of the child, and how well he or she manages feelings of anger and frustration, but once pre-adolescence and the adolescent years proper evolve, mom once again becomes a frequent target of displeasure.  For the girls, the cause is a combination of envy, competition, and wishes for more independence, and the boys a combination of identifying mom as both powerful and also a member of the opposite sex, causes anxiety and at times significant distance.  Once adolescence is over however, both boys and girls typically develop healthy relationships with their parents as they have worked through the kinks of development and are once and for all independent beings.

So, how can mothers weather the storms of their children's needs to separate from them and continue to love, nurture, and parent them through this process?  To make matters even more complicated, fathers tend not to receive the extent of the negativity that the mother endures.  This is due to the fact that fathers tend to be more of a medium between mother and child and assist in the process of separation due to the fact that the mother, or whichever parent is the one who spends the most time with the children, is viewed as the one who is the most frustrating and limiting and therefore receives the most negativity.

1.  Understand that maternal rejection is a normal and expected aspect of development.

2.  Don't take it personally.

3.  Manage your feelings of sadness and frustration.

4.  Continue to be loving, empathic, but set limits when the negativism crosses the line.

5.  Get your spouse to support your position.

6.  Realize that these are only stages.

The mothers who understand and practice these important principles, tend to manage these stages with their children in the most optimal ways and their children move through his or her development with less difficulties then when mothers and fathers react in ways which either make their child feel bad or abandoned.

Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters
Fox6 News - San Diego
San Diego Living Show